| seems pretty accurate to me... argh |
[26 Oct 2003|08:12pm] |
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mood |
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 working |
] |
</script>
Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.
Generated on Sun Oct 26 17:10:40 2003.
</center>
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[24 Oct 2003|12:18pm] |
i got a tattoo. i did it sunday night and have been trying for a few days to figure out how to post a picture on here. as soon as i figure out how i am going to post the picks. we took pictures at each level. I love it, but there is still some stuff that needs done on it. I have already lost a lot of detail on the face and one of the wings is fading already and will need to be done over i think plus the leaves still need colored in and the roses will need touched up. It is an angel holding a cracked stone heart surrounded by 4 red and purple roses and I got it on my left chest.
About the pain. Some one asked me to lable it on a scale of one to 10. The tattoo took about 6 hours and at the beginning it was just like a bee sting. gentle and insestent about a 3. By the end of the 6th hour i had not cried yet but you could see the pain on my face I am sure. Id say I got up to a 7. But I loved every second of it. There were times when the stinging sent a jolt straight to my clit. talk more later...
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[18 Oct 2003|02:15pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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music |
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ashanti - rain on me |
] |
Speaking to an old friend the other day. He says bring the old Mandy back, my marraige changed me and I lost the the confidence i used to have. He said he remembered a time when i could put aside the hurt and do what i had to do to get what i wanted. he says i worry too much about what dh is going to say or think.
well, yea of course i care what he thinks. I told him that i was leaving, then i told him i wasn't going anywhere. I'm so behind on school because of all this shit. There have bee a couple times in the last couple of weeks when i hurt so bad that i truly craved physical pain. I have been trying to use music and writing to shake myself out of it but I am still calling the doc on monday to get in and get back on my meds.
we have to go over to mil to have a family dinner tonight. she wants to have family dinners once a month now. dh is scare that she thinks she is dying.
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[13 Oct 2003|01:54pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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music |
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monster ballads |
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Your Daily Horoscope for October 13, 2003
Dear Mandy,
If you have been yearning to modify something in your daily life, do it now, Mandy. The planetary energy is telling you that the hour has come to make concrete changes. Regardless of whether the change you seek is at home or at work, physical or emotional, don't be afraid of seriously upsetting your life.
-- So so much has been happening. I got out of the habit of writing to explain what is going on. The house hit world war three status for a minute but I think the air is calming. Im feeling the urge to write again. and I am seeing some severe ups and downs in my thinking. Something that I am planning on pointing out to my doctor when I see him next week. I have had a huge amount of trouble with my right hand lately. For a while I could not write or type and was swelled like a rubber glove filled with water. The doctors think this is "odd" but I know it is not a break or a sprain or a blood clot. Not sure what the next test will even be.
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| busy busy week |
[03 Oct 2003|08:53am] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
I have been up each day at 7:30, going back and forth between schoolwork and housework all day long. except for the stop everything and watch Yu-Gi-Oh at 4:30 with my son I have been really busy. I haven't played the sims or even read for pleasure.
I have been making sure to keep my kitchen clean. DH hasn't said anything about it (after all H keeps the rest of the house clean as effortlessly as i struggle with the kitchen) I have made my bed every day too. Friends ask me what is wrong. There have been no less than 4 people in the last week that have walked in and gotten something to drink Oh my god! Mandy cleaned her kitchen. H says that is good - people see the effort you are making. All i can think of is that people must have been thinking for a long time that it needed done and that is not good.
I have a date tonight. I am nervous but excited.
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| Chicago ... memories... |
[29 Sep 2003|02:15pm] |
Over spring break this year I went to Chicago with my best friend. Stayed for a week in a home with a family I had never met or talked to before. But I felt like if I had a choice to move to any city in the world I would have chosen Chicago at that moment. I was accepted, I bloomed, I developed friendships that I now keep close by email. I always said I'd move to Seattle one day, now I am not so sure.
H was over all weekend. She saw what I was doing with the home immediately and went to work. I did not ask her and I kept asking her to stop. She told me no this was her gift to me, If she didnt stop, I wouldn't stop out of loyalty and embarassment. She was right that was what it took to motivate me. Its not perfect yet but what I thought would take me months we accomplished this weekend. Now instead of decluttering I can focus on sticking to my lists and making them routine ... I am terrified that I wont be able to keep it as clean as it is now but I wont let it paralyze me.
The point is while decluttering I found 2 things I had written while I was on vacation in Chicago on scraps of paper and I wanted to put them here too.
Chicago Style
Warm, Inviting, Friendly
But real
and real down to earth.
Strong vibrant woman,
comfortable in her skin
she'll wrap you in a cocoon
of friends and laughter.
Strange faces and stranger places
and you still feel like you've come home.
She'll inspire you
like a Maya Angelou poem.
Funny, Amazing, Brillliant
but real
and real down to earth.
Spades
Drinks
Laughter and emotions
The truth runs free
Honest feelings are allowed to surface
Goofy, Loving, Unsure
but real
and real down to earth
Loud, Boisterous
talking over others to make the point
woman, bitch, player, played
love conquers all
Like a breath of fresh air
Finally
and its real
and real down to earth
3/24/03 (c) Mandy ~ for DeeDee~
Beautiful Princess
Chillin Relaxin
Smooothe beats on the radio
reading a magazine
her daughter comes in
"those girls are fake" she says
"Look - they too skinny
and without all that make-up
they ain't even cute.
Why would anyone want to look like them?"
I ask her "Who do you want to look like?"
without a hint of hesitation "Myself!"
That is pride
I'm amazed
and struck with longing
Why wasn't I given that gift
at your age ?
Honored daughter, beautiful sister
you know you are a princess
destined to be a queen.
And you already wear it well.
3/26/03 (c)Mandy ~ for Joharah~
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| just thinking |
[27 Sep 2003|11:38pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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For as unsocial as I am, I love having people around. I just dont like to initiate contact. Does that make sense. To have someone to care for, that truly appreciates the treatment and doesn't complain about what isn't done, but rather praises for what has been done, makes me feel complete. I glow. I thrive. I preen. I am eager to do more. When people come to my house to visit they dont leave when the evening is over. A short visit is three to four days, people leave my house when the real world calls and they absolutely must get back to their responsiblilties. I am an attention whore who wont call attention to herself.
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ganked from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) feenixboy |
[26 Sep 2003|10:56am] |
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mood |
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sneezy |
] |
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music |
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remy zero - save me |
] |
 | The Big Five Personality Test | | Extroverted | |||||| | 22% | | Introverted | |||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Friendly | |||||||||||||||||||| | 86% | | Aggressive | |||| | 14% | | Orderly | |||||||||| | 32% | | Disorderly | |||||||||||||||| | 68% | | Relaxed | |||||||||| | 38% | | Emotional | |||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Intellectual | |||||||||||||||||||| | 82% | | Practical | |||| | 18% | Take Free Big 5 Personality Test
The Big Five is currently the most accepted personality model in the scientific community. The Big Five emerged from the work of multiple independent scientists/researchers starting in the 1950s who using different techniques obtained similar results. Those results were that there are five distinct personality traits/dimensions. Here are your results on each dimension:
Extroversion results were low which suggests you are quiet, unassertive, and aloof.
Friendliness results were high which suggests you are very good natured, trusting, and helpful but possibly too much of a follower
Orderliness results were low which suggests you tend to be unreliable, lazy, careless, negligent, and unmotivated.
Emotional Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous.
Intellectualness results were high which suggests you are very creative, original, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.
Overall, you scored highest on Friendliness and lowest on Extroversion.
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| metamorphosis.... |
[25 Sep 2003|11:27pm] |
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mood |
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accomplished |
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music |
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local news |
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I feel like there is something inside me that is aching to grow and change. Like I have spent years building my cocoon and now I am finally ready to do the work necessary to make that transformation. I actually started with getting up the nerve to go to college last year. and I made it through the entire year even a near death illness and mental breakdown did not stop me. My one strong hold on life was college. Making myself better.
DH and I always fight about the house, and as much as I really want to please him and let him be proud of the home that he works so hard for us to keep living in I am a horrible housekeeper. We have been through so much even homeless at one point but the amount of work that I would need to do overwhelms me. Practically paralyzes me. So I have good intentions... the same ones that paved the road to hell. There are so many times when I feel like I can do anything as long as someone tells me what to do, but for me to make the decision myself well... no I have never been very decisive about anything.
I met someone new online the other day. He seems sweet. He makes me smile. Compliments make me insecure most of the time but the things he said really made me feel like he was genuine. I started explaining my marraige, my life, the fact that I just ended something that was very satisfying to me because dh didn't like it. Because I hit to close to home. I explaind to him that right now, until I figured out what was happening I wasnt offering anything other than friendship. And he was ok with that. I really think we may build a true friendship. That excites me.
H came over again today. She is asleep on my sofa right now. I think I have had a crush on her since the first time i met her. She is so pretty and so down to earth and so real and damnit all I think she may be bi. That has me tongue-tied and sweaty palmed. Earlier I was in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner and she brought her plate in and put it in the sink and actually smacked my ass. I asked her why she did that and she said no reason just felt the urge. I said oh ... ok and went back to cleaning. Believe me I felt urges too but damn... I dont talk about my sex life with people most of the time but I really think tomorrow I am going to bring up my other experiences with females somehow in a conversation and see where it goes.
I got alot of homework accomplished today, I went for a walk, my dishes are done and my coffeepot is set up. I am pretty damn proud of myself.
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| in my horoscope too... how bizarre |
[24 Sep 2003|09:31am] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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Your Daily Horoscope for September 24, 2003
Dear Mandy,
Have you been thinking about moving to a new home, Mandy? Perhaps you've even bought one. Whatever your situation, you'll probably execute some paperwork today regarding your home, perhaps an agreement with a realtor or contractor, or maybe even escrow papers involving a new house. This might be a bit frustrating, as the wording of the documents might seem obscure. Nonetheless, get it out of the way. You won't regret it!
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| My dreams are so wild some nights... |
[24 Sep 2003|08:44am] |
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mood |
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 content |
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Last night i dreamt that Grandma Morgan had died again. After her funeral I was riding around with my cousins Heather and Cliffy and we were smoking a joint talking about how we were not where we wanted to be as grownups yet and it was frustrating. Then I went to work. I was at this womans house planning a web site for her crafts that she was selling and I was talking about how envious I was of her home and stuff and how she was able to live off of her husband and take care of her kids and just do what she really loves. She told me that their main source of income was the property they owned and they did it with the carlton sheets program. Her husband gave me the quick start book and told me when he paid me to buy the program myself it will mean more if I spend my own money on it. I tols him i would and he gave me and my son a ride home telling me good luck as i got out of the car. Then I woke up.
That was really bizarre on many levels... I havent even thought of Grandma in a few days but this is very close to the time of year when she died. I wonder if she was talking to me. Showing me that I am doing ok and headed in the right direction. And why carlton sheets specifically, the tv was not on and I have not seen an infomercial in forever. But I have been talking about the fact that I hate this place so much. We have been wanting to move for a while but the money is not there and we don't want another apartment. I dream of a home with a back yard and a swing set. I have goosebumps. Do you think she was showing me this is how I can achieve my next goal.
I had amazing sex with my husband last night. I dont know where it came from but it was wow. The kind of sex that we used to have before we got married, passionate ... kissing all over... touching all over... letting go and just feeling ... The kind of sex that makes me wet to think about the next day. It was raw and real and it has just been so long since we have had anything like that. Are we both changing again. Have our conversations made a difference? I went to bed feeling very content and happy for a change.
Little man is awake. He is so beautiful. 5 years old remember He walked in here and gave me a kiss on the cheek and then went to the bathroom. Comes back in and puts his arm around me. Says "Goodmorning Mommy"
"Goodmorning Sugar"
He says "Does your head hurt?"
"Nope"
"Does your stomach hurt"
"Nope"
"Does your back hurt?"
Smiling (mommy does not wake up well in the mornings - usually takes about an hour to lose the stiff acheyness) "Nope, no hurts today"
He kisses my cheek again and climbs into my lap says "Have you finished your coffee?"
I laugh "I haven't even fixed it."
He climbs right back off of my lap. "OK you go fix it. I'll play playstation until you are done."
So I am off to fix my coffee. Feeling very good this morning. Blessed, like I have been given a renewed determination to keep going because I am going for the right things. Feeling like dreams do come true and happily ever after is possible.
The real world will smack me soon enough. I feel weird being happy.
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| recuperating... |
[22 Sep 2003|03:06pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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Hee hee, I know I am old enough to know better. I spent the entire weekend visiting and laughing and generally misbehaving.
Memo to self: just because it tastes like kool-aid does not mean you should drink it like it is.
I finally reached my limit at 3:47 am this morning. I went to lie down and all of a sudden I felt the sweat pour out of my body. Just knew I was about to get sick and managed to make it to the bathroom. Got sick, took a shower, stumbled to bed and the cycle started again. I heard Doug come in as I was making my way back to bed the second time. Shortly after that I heard the rest of my company leave.
The Brat- Boy came in and woke me up around 10 and I fed him and watched a movie with him. I feel like someone is stabbing me in the eye with an icepick . bleh
Gonna go pick up my heathen and convince him mommy needs a nap.
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| at the movies friday night.... |
[21 Sep 2003|08:39pm] |
Went to see underworld opening night as a birthday present. (dont bother - its ok but not worth 8 bucks save it for the dvd and special features)
Anyhoo... sitting there watching the previews and of course there was the clip My name is Joe... the last movie i did was (i forget...) I am not a million dollar movie star. I work construction. Movie piracy hurts us the little guys that work construction, sound, lighting etc.
Stop movie piracy...
The theatre was filled with a chorus or AAAAARRRRR Matey and Scurvy Arses.
I had to explain to my companions that it was National Pirate Day or Talk Like A Pirate Day or what ever it was.
Im still celebrating my birthday but I thought I'd pause and tell that little story :)
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[19 Sep 2003|11:01am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
] |
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music |
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Five for Fighting - Superman it's not easy |
] |
He says I have changed and not for the better...
I said I had to build a wall
He says I never built a wall to hide from you
I said that is because I never hurt you like that. If i hurt you bad enough you would build one too.
I told him if we can't figure out how to put us first and still be open I dont want to be open anymore.
He said he isnt going to stop.
Just once in my life I want to be first, most important, truly cherished.
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| Yikes... |
[17 Sep 2003|06:28pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
] |
I am at school right now and I see that my page looks really dark on this computer. When I get home tonight I am going to see if I cant play around with it a bit.
My only class in class starts at 7... I am really nervous and I dont understand why. Same reason probably that I dont like going out much as it is. I really am so self conscience. I feel like people are staring at me, judging me. And I dont see anything in myself that I think people would get a good first impression out of. I am the fat ugly quiet one sitting in the corner. People who come up to me first, I speak too. And in time I open up too. And when I do I hook them for life *smiles* Meeting people is so hard for me. It is an insanely huge fear of rejection.
I have no idea how to meet and talk new people. I have few friends, the ones I have all told me that when they first met me they thought I didnt like them. Or that they thought there was no way I would like the same things they did. Funny thing about that is you would be really hard pressed to find something that I truly couldn't stand. I dont know how to change that impression that people have of me. Its not intentional. My brain goes a million miles a minute but I cant push the words out of my mouth.
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| Laughing my ass off... |
[17 Sep 2003|11:37am] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
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music |
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Nature Boy - David Bowie and Massive Attack |
] |
I am trying to be good, really.... but i soooo don't want to behave.
Your Daily Horoscope for September 17, 2003
Dear Mandy,
Light a candle and make a wish, Mandy. See the flame as a symbol of transformation and passion within you. You may feel as if your heart is restless, as it flutters back and forth as a result of the passing wind. As the flame dances, you may be reminded of your own dances that you perform in an attempt to draw attention away from an issue that you know you must face at one point or another. The time is now.
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| He's Back... |
[16 Sep 2003|11:33pm] |
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mood |
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 flirty |
] |
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music |
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Alicia Keyes - A Womans Worth |
] |
God I am frustrated. No one else in the entire world makes me eat sleep and breathe sexual innuendo.
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